The ‘Bradri Rishta’ Culture

Long ago, when education was not a common thing in the sub-continent, families were represented by their skill / profession. Each family had a specific skill set that was passed on down the generations. The son of a cobbler was a cobbler, the son of a barber was a barber and so the list goes on. The social status of each family was also governed by their family profession. And thus, the best compatibility between two families existed when they belonged to the same social status, i.e., similar profession. As a result, people would always prefer getting married within their own or a profession-similar family.

It’s 2016 now and times have surely changed. Almost everyone in our urban society gets the opportunity of education, Alhumdulillah. People rise in the corporate world based on their hard work rather than their grandfather’s profession, for the most part. Talent is appreciated and diversity is acknowledged. Grandkids of tailors, shop keepers, and government servants sit together in schools, universities and offices. And those who work hard do find success, sooner or later.

Then why do we still believe in “bradri rishta” (marriage within the family) even though we all are educated and the professional gap does not matter anymore?

What’s the big deal if people still go for “bradri rishta”?

1- Cousin marriages are not recommended medically. It has been scientifically proven. And people aren’t enough open-minded to go for a comparative medical test before getting married.

2- The “bradri rishta” is usually enforced in our society, especially on women. Apparently, parents think that their kids aren’t smart enough to be included in the biggest decision of their lives.

3- Emotional blackmail is the strongest tool in a desi house. People take “bradri rishta” too emotionally and later, repent on their decision for the rest of their lives. I know several men and women who struggle their whole lives to find happiness in their marriage.

4- Slightly open-minded families allow their kids to choose their life partners by themselves BUT within the “bradri” only and also IF the parents agree. This is absurd and totally unfair.

5- Engaged? But you’re still not allowed to talk, see or communicate in anyway with your fiancé. Why not? Because it might manifest the mismatch between your personalities and damage the engagement. Well, why not end the relationship now before you realize you have 3 kids and its too late.

6- The “bradri rishta” is also an extremely soon process for women and too slow for men. They impose it on young girls shattering their dreams, career and education. And they usually take centuries in case of men, not to mention the huge age gap between the resultant husband and wife.

7- There’s a strong misconception that “bradri rishta” will be durable. Actually, its the compatibility of mindset that makes a marriage successful, not the fact that you belong to the same bloodline. Family pressure might cause a couple to stay together longer but it can’t bring happiness in their lives and their relationship becomes a ticking time-bomb.

What to do?

IMO the “bradri rishta” stops people from growing, experiencing cultural diversity, developing tolerance and opening their mind. I strongly believe that it is a huge crime to not let someone choose their life partner. Financial compatibility, educational status and similar life goals are important when making the “rishta” decision but mere “bradri” as a yard stick is preposterous. Nothing should be more important than the parameter of compatibility between the man and woman. So let’s grow up, learn to agree to disagree and respect other’s freedom to make their own decisions.

Imagine the suffering that you cause to your loved child / sibling for the rest of their lives, just because you’re stuck with a practice that expired a century ago.

“Everyone has dreams, ideals, and the right to choose their own future.”

by Umer Fiaz Abbasi

Thanks Zaki Malik for your help in this article.

' ظالموں کے نام '

بہت دکھ سے تمہیں یہ کہےدیتا ہوں

کہ لہرِ آنسو اب تھام نہیں سکتا ہوں

وہ کھلکھلاتے پھول وہ معصوم سے چہرے

وہ  ماؤں   کے  دلارے   وہ   چاند   ستارے

وہ  بابا   کی   رانی   وہ  ماں  کا  سہارا

وہ ساحلِ خوشحالی وہ مستقبل کا نظارا

وہ مسکراتے چہرے وہ الله کے پیارے

وہ محبّت  کے  پیکر وہ  لوگ  ہمارے

پھر وہ  بارود  کی  بو اور خون  کی  ہولی

وہ بکھرے  ہوے لاشے اور  موت  کی لوری

کیا تمہیں انساں، انساں نظر نہیں آتا

کیا تمہیں  دردِ مظلوم  سمجھ نہیں آتا

ایک ہی  رنگ  سے  رنگا ہے  رب  نے سبھی کو

کیا   تمہیں   اپنا   خون    یہ   نہیں   بتا   پاتا

اور کیا  تمہیں  خدا  کا  کوئی خوف نہیں

قتلِ معصوم قتلِ انسانیت ہے کیا علم نہیں

تم  خود  کو دنیا  کے  امیر کہلاتے ہو

امیر تو کیا، تم انساں بن نہیں پاتے ہو

دیکھ  رہا  ہے میرا  رب   جو  تم  عزائم  رکھتے ہو

 وہ دھرتی پہ ظلم و ستم جو تم پھیلاۓ رکھتے ہو

میری قوم کی قربانیاں ہیں کہ سب فاش ہو چکا

حق و باطل   میں   فرق   صاف   ظاہر  ہو چکا

عذابِ  الہی    سے     انہیں     کون     بچاۓ     گا    ظاہرؔ

یہ پھولوں کو روندتے جاتے ہیں اور ماؤں کے دل جلاتے ہیں 

by Umer Fiaz Abbasi
.Thank you Mr. Aamir Amin for reviewing this poem 

Desi Weddings & their Issues

Photo Credits: Fahad Raza Photograph

A wedding is one of the most fun parts of any culture. Especially for a desi family, it is probably the most amusing traditional event. Mehndi, Barat, Valima and all other functions are celebrated in bright, crazy and joyful ways. People wear colorful & expensive dresses, not to mention make ups and hair styles. Like western weddings, the bride & groom always win the race of awesome attires and cool looks in a desi wedding.

What is a Wedding?

An event where two people accept each other as husband and wife in front of their family & friends.

What’s happening today?

In the last few decades, the rate of people getting married has decreased by manifolds. There are several reasons behind this fall in marriage rate, where the biggest of all is materialism. People have gone so materialistic that they prefer money & things over people & relationships. I know someone who broke their engagement just because they did not like the gifts from their in-laws. Today, most people marry for financial gain. They don’t care much about personality matches, ambitions, and values. And that’s the reason why we have a huge divorce rate now.

Let’s discuss a few issues of today’s desi society.

Dowry, a social menace!

Dowry is one of the biggest evil in a desi wedding. Some people, from the groom’s side, don’t even feel any shame for asking specific stuff in dowry. They actually provide a list of things that the girl has to bring along her when she gets married. The bride’s family is already in pain while they see their love leaving the house. And then on top of that, they have to take loans for dowry and pay back the loans in installments for years. If you look around, you’ll find many good looking and educated girls who are unable to get married just because their parents can’t afford dowry. The concept of giving millions of worth of dowry by taking bank loans just to satisfy groom’s family or the family status is completely absurd. Even after giving such a huge dowry, it still remains a problem creating factor for the bride in the years to come because people never stop comparisons. It seems that personality and good traits have no respect these days in contrast to a handsome dowry if you’re a bride.

“A desi guy is profoundly smug, yet he sleeps on a bed given to him by his father-in-law.”

Should Weddings be expensive?

Weddings are expensive almost everywhere in the world. And the expenses are mostly logical because you invite your friends and family for a great celebration which usually includes a quality feast. However, the fact that wedding expenses stop many desi couples from getting married is totally irrational. Weddings usually get delayed, and canceled in worst cases, because the families need a few millions for the wedding. This is completely crazy, since the idea of a wedding is two people accepting each other as husband and wife; the celebration should be optional and dependent on your pocket. And the famous question “Log kya kahain ge?” (Translation: “What will others think?”) should not effect the future of a couple. People are born free. They should be allowed to live their lives the way they want to. The age that you feel is right for you to get married should not be dependent on how expensive a wedding is. It should only depend on your future plans and on the fact that you feel ready or not. The word ‘expensive’ means that you’re going hard on yourself financially. So, no, the weddings should not be ‘expensive’.

What needs to be done?

Don’t judge people on their wealth. Personality and morality are the best yard sticks before making the most important decision of your life.

Condemn dowry. If you’re a guy, please tell the family that you won’t accept any dowry. Men who have sisters and daughters can understand the weight of this menace. So let’s start with ourselves, say no to dowry.

Invite 1000 or 10 people, whatever suits your financial conditions. But don’t delay or cancel your weddings because of what others will think. If you’re ready, then this will be best journey of your life; so go for it irrespective of self-made social problems and nonsense. A marriage should bring comfort in your life, so should its start, i.e., the wedding.

IMHO, its better to spend on your child’s education or financially support them in their entrepreneurial ideas rather than spending absurdly on a wedding.

Let’s Pledge?

As they say, “charity begins at home”. So, let’s pledge to stop following irrational outdated trends and make our society a better place to live in.

I pledge to say NO to dowry and preposterous-spending on my wedding. Do you?

by Umer Fiaz Abbasi

Originally posted at:
https://medium.com/@umerfiazabbasi/weddings-in-desi-culture-8e656d5c7777#.2wc1ett9c

How To: New Year’s Resolution

Its New Year’s eve and you’re trying to figure out what stuff did you plan this year; how many wins and losses happened. Every year you do that ‘My New Year’s Resolution’ thing. You post your thoughts as status updates and tweets. You recall it every other day but by February, the resolution starts to fade away. Later, you tell yourself that at least you tried. Well, you did not. You did not even plan your resolution properly. And that’s why, every year you end up at the same spot as the last year, the resolutions may be different though.

The thing is:

You have a creative mind who dreams and wants to do awesome things. But you can’t really focus to achieve your targets.

Well, the good news is: This year we will make sure that your resolutions and ambitions are worked on. How? This way:

1- Take a board marker, in case you do have a white board at home, or a pencil with a piece of paper.

2- Draw a table and make 4 columns as:

| Activity | Satisfaction | Skill Level | Total Score |

3- Now, list down 10 activities / hobbies which have been going round ’n round inside your head. For instance, learning a music instrument, or painting or writing or anything else that you’re fond of.

4- Grade the ‘satisfaction’ level that you get from each of these activities on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most ‘satisfied’ score.

5- Put down your ‘skill level’ for each of these activities from 1 to 10, with 10 being the most ‘pro’ level.

6- Add the scores from ‘Satisfaction’ and ‘Skill Level’ as the ‘Total Score’.

7- Select 5 activities having the top 5 scores. These 5 activities will become the main source of your “New Year’s Resolution”. You may choose more than 5 activities depending on the nature of your work life.

8- Now, draw another table with these 3 columns:

| Activity | Time | Cost |

9- Fill up the ‘Time’ required to learn each activity or achieve each goal and the financial ‘Cost’ associated with it.

10- Awesome! Now, analyze each activity based on the two real life constraints (or challenges), i.e., ‘Time’ and ‘Cost’. This analysis must be very subjective to your current work life, social responsibilities, and bank account.

11- Pick your favorite 2 (or 3) activities based on your analysis. This is your “New Year’s Resolution”.

12- Final Step: Plan your “New Year’s Resolution” for each month of the new year as follows and you’re golden :)

| Month | Activity | Pre-req. Activity | Sub-activity | Progress |

For example,

| Jan | Book Writing | — | Write 10 Articles | 0% |

| Feb | Book Writing | Write 10 Articles | Write Book’s First Chapter | 0% |

“Planning is being positive about the future. And that’s what all a winner needs.”

Take total control of your life and unleash yourself with a positive start. Say ‘Hello’ to 2016.

Good Luck Folks, Happy New Year!

by Umer Fiaz Abbasi

Originally posted at:
https://medium.com/@umerfiazabbasi/how-to-new-year-s-resolution-eb1e26a6e5ae#.bx2huwydz

85 Years of Wisdom

Ramzan Khan Abbasi was born sometime around 1932 in Sanyo, Murree, British India. Back then, recording birthdays in the backward northern areas of the country weren’t a convention apparently. He was born to a Pahari family, at a time before Murree’s independence from British India and inclusion into Pakistan.

When he was 5 years old, he got severely sick. There was no doctor in the locality at that time and he was left dying. Then, his father Shahswar Khan’s brother took him to Lawrence Town in Murree. Only Englishmen were allowed to enter and use facilities in Murree at that time. However, the doctor had a good heart and he treated the young Ramzan for a huge fee of 5 rupees. Ramzan got better and he has lived to be 85 years old now.

Life’s best moment

“When I grew up, I had to go to Karachi to find work. I lived there for 25 years. For the first 6 months, I slept at gardens, footpaths and trucks. They didn’t allow me to sleep in the mosques. I was alone in a huge city, where I did not know anyone, trying to find work. Later, I learnt accountancy and I started doing extremely well. I started working hard to become an architect. Finally as an architect, I started earning a lot.

Then, I came back to Islamabad because my father passed away. I have built several buildings and markets in Islamabad. I built a mosque as well that I think was my best project. Now I can’t see and can’t remember properly. However, give me any mathematical problem and I’ll solve it for you.”

Advice for the elderly

Pray. Make God your best friend.

Time flies like in no time so make the best of it.

Be hospitable. Treat your guests like royalty.

Be moderate in treating your kids. Don’t be over strict or do-not-care.

Love your neighbors. Don’t be rude, be friendly. People didn’t have money before but they had huge hearts. Now, things are the other way around.

Advice for the young

Pray. ‘Jawani is Deewani’. One day you’ll be old, sick and then you’ll fall. Don’t wait for that time.

Don’t waste your time. Time is very precious. You only realize this when you grow old, when its too late to change your decisions.

Help the needy and the old.

Don’t delay marriage for no apparent reason.

Read. Teach. In his time, people had to walk several miles on foot to reach the schools. Today, we have buses, cars and trains. What’s stopping you from getting educated and making the world a better place?

Advice for the unlucky

Remember God, be his friend.

Never lose hope. ‘Allah k ghar main dair hai, undhair nahi’.

“I had an amazing life. Alhumdulillah. I pray that God gives you health, life and true freedom”.

by Umer Fiaz Abbasi

Originally posted at:https://medium.com/@umerfiazabbasi/85-years-of-wisdom-b42d26d0c84a#.45oxb1oun

Child or Labor?

Photo Credits: Daniel Berehulak via gettyimages

Child labor won’t sound gibberish to you as you have been hearing and witnessing it every now and then. But what is child labor, actually? By definition, ‘Child Labor’ is the employment of underage children in any work that takes them away from childhood and their right to education. Profound research has proved child labor to be mentally, physically, socially and morally dangerous for kids.

Unfortunately in Pakistan, child labor is a common practice. There are nearly 20 million children indulged in child labor. These children are 5 to 14 years old, for the most part. The total population in this age group according to a survey by Pakistan bureau of statistics is about 40 to 41 million. This clearly draws a very gloomy picture that half of the children ageing 5 to 14 are a victim of child labor. These stats are very alarming for a nation who expects the future generations to be building blocks of an educated, stable and developed country. Almost all under-developed countries witness a high number of children being extorted by this moral and social evil.

The point to ponder is: Why these children are dragged into child labor? There are numerous answers to this very question but one generic answer prevails that is poverty due to economic instability and financial crisis. The parents are unable to afford education for their children. They also believe that education is a waste of time since they are also uneducated and their children should rather go work to support their families. This obviously creates a domino effect of illiteracy, child labor and poverty.

The article number 11 of constitution of Pakistan strictly prohibits the indulgence of children into labor. But unfortunately no concrete steps have been taken in this regards. The governments have seemed to stay blind folded on a very chronic issue of this kind.

Child labor is highly lethal for mental, physical and psychological growth of young children. It completely devastates their self-confidence, creativity and productivity, which is in turn a huge loss for the nation. Child labor completely takes one’s childhood away leaving them in a very confused and deprived state of mind. Child labor is not only scary for emotional development of children; there are plenty of other hazards attached to it. When children work as laborers they are exposed to accidents, child abuse, drugs and mental disorders.

As a developing society, we need to take strict actions to secure the childhood of our present and future generations. Pakistan is in sheer need of educated and revolutionary minds. How are we going to ensure the growth of a progressive society when we keep ruining the learning and development process of half of our children? Child labor needs to stop. Let them have the childhood they deserve.

Let’s correct our mistakes and pave the way for a healthy, educated, developed and happy Pakistan.

If we educate a child today, we will build a progressive generation tomorrow.

by Etrat Husyn & Umer Fiaz Abbasi

Originally posted at:
https://medium.com/@umerfiazabbasi/child-or-labor-4ca6edabcea5#.4993imyi8

Don’t Judge, Embrace Them

Life is exciting and unpredictable. Each day is a new story, a new beginning and a new journey. Humans are complex beings. Every day we go through hundreds of emotions due to our surroundings and happenings. Our emotions are related to social and physical circumstances we go through.

It is usually said that we are only capable of five types of emotions, i.e., Joy, Sadness, Fear, Disgust and Anger. The short-term and long-term circumstances are different for different people. On top of that, people behave differently in similar circumstances. And this is why everyone has a unique personality. Your definition of joy may be different from your sibling’s joy. Your fear might be the strength of somebody else. We live in different emotional layers and aura. Your aura is dependent on what sort of resilience and emotional makeup you have acquired over the period of time.

In turn, it would be unjust to judge another person based on a single event and with your own yard stick. And that is why we should develop the habit of embracing others’ feelings instead of judging negatively. For instance, you’re colleague is crying on their desk. Instead of imagining a last night’s husband-wife fight, go to them with a cup of tea to offer. Be supportive in the hours of need to others and avoid gossiping.

Gossiping makes you cold from the inside over time.

Eventually, you lose the ability to sense others’ feelings and this is exactly what’s wrong with the world these days. This leads to hatred and selfishness, which is practically doom for the caring human nature.

We always talk about spreading love and peace. Well, “Everything starts with you first”. Be a positive person at you work, school and home. Not just positive for yourself, but also for others. Your supportive attitude will create a love filter around you and the folks around you will pick up this beautiful characteristic in no time. At the end of the day:

We all want the same thing: Love and Peace.

by Itrat Husyn & Umer Fiaz Abbasi